Katie

MIDDLE CYCLONE
Neko Case 2008

OH BABY, WHY AM I WORRIED NOW?
DID SOMEONE MAKE A FOOL OF ME BEFORE I COULD SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE?

I CAN'T GIVE UP ACTING TOUGH
IT'S ALL THAT I'M MADE OF
CAN'T SCRAPE TOGETHER QUITE ENOUGH
TO RIDE THE BUS TO THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE FACT THAT I NEED LOVE

THERE WERE TIMES
THAT I TRIED
ONE FOR EVERY GLASS OF WATER THAT I SPILLED
NEXT TO THE BED
RETCHING PENNIES IN A BOILING WELL
IN A DREAM
THAT AT ONCE BECOMES A FOUNDRY OF MUTE AND HEAVY BELLS
THEY SHAKE ME DEAF AND DUMB
SAY SOMEONE MADE A FOOL OF ME
'FORE I COULD SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE

IT WAS SO CLEAR TO ME
THAT IT WAS ALMOST INVISIBLE
I LIE ACROSS THE PATH WAITING
JUST FOR A CHANCE TO BE
A SPIDER WEB TRAPPED IN YOU LASHES
FOR THAT, I WOULD TRADE YOU MY EMPIRE FOR ASHES
BUT I CHOKE IT BACK, HOW MUCH I NEED LOVE
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Katie

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of the spring peepers. There must be dozens, even hundreds, of them in the pond next to my house, and they come out for springtime year after year, as if they're emerging from hibernation. As long as I can remember, I've been able to tell when summer has finally arrived by the sound of them. This is what I love about summer nights in the country -- falling asleep in my big room in our 1840s farmhouse with its steeply sloped ceiling, the floorlength windows thrown open to the cool darkness. I love hearing the shrill melody of the tiny chorus frogs, accompanied by the occasional throaty note of a fat bullfrog, like a bass or a trombone randomly thrown in with an orchestra of violins or piccolos. (I read once that in Martha's Vineyard spring peepers are called "pinkletinks" -- I've remembered because this is almost exactly the sound that they make.) There is also the soft fluttering noise of moths against the windowscreen, and the occasional cricket or katydid perched on my windowsill, keeping me awake. By the time they are silent, the lonely call of an owl echoes in the forest, or a pack of coyotes celebrates a successful hunt on the field next to the pond or on the hill by Thunder Lake. When I'm awake to hear this, I feel a slight thrill at the eeriness of their sound, and think about the freedom of their lives, and am again reminded why I love living in the country. Around 4 or 5 in the morning the birds start to wake up, hesitant at first as if they're trying to sing the sleep out of their minds. Their song is a hushed for awhile, as if they're self conscious about waking up before the sun. Or maybe because I'm still half-asleep they just seem quieter while my mind blocks out their sound. But by the time the sun has fully risen, their volume has been turned up completely, and I am entirely awake. I don't mind getting up then, when the whole world seems awake and they seem to be singing about a day that has already begun. It makes life seem like something I don't want to miss out on.

I am going to miss living in the country. In the summer, I'm not sure how I'm going to live without it. And I have so little time left ... I don't know how I am going to let go.
Katie
Every minute hatched into reexistence
(Light creating shadow
Where nothing was before).
One eye blind, the fingers
Float in empty space, and my hand
Feels nothing.
Where was form when everything was flat?
The spirit of the world beating against itself
Like moths against the glass.
And, like God, I wonder
...Why can't I live like that?
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Katie
All day long we walk around "interacting" with other people -- which really means, we all collide with our windowless exteriors and projected facades, dealing with whatever is going on inside our heads all on our own. Life would be so much easier if it was acceptable, or encouraged, for everyone to say whatever is on their minds, or at least if they think something might be important for someone else to hear, go ahead and say it. I wish I could say whatever I wanted without everyone thinking I'm mentally unstable. I wish I could hear what people are thinking so I could see if we're thinking the same thing. I wish I could know what people are thinking of me.
Katie
This was my favorite post from my really really old blog that has since been deleted ... luckily since it was a forwarded message I was able to find it again :) Enjoy!

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Katie
Today has been an unexpectedly good day :) It was freezing cold this morning and I dreaded getting out of bed, so I ended up taking too long in the hot shower and left the house way late. And then I ran over a huge pothole on the way to school and thought I was going to have a flat tire because another car did. But I didn't, and amazingly, I actually got to school on time. Nobody came to my Supplemental Instruction session so I curled up in a comfy chair next to the window and watched people walk around campus, which was fun. Then after awhile I went outside and sat in the sun reading one of my textbooks. I almost froze my butt off on the concrete ledge I was sitting on, but it was still nice to be outside for once. I had to go to the computer lab for the English class I tutor for, but the professor wasn't there today so everyone just worked on their papers and it was nice and quiet so I started the revisions for the full-length version of my revenge paper and I actually got a lot done. When I ran out of time I read over the first two pages and wanted to laugh out loud, it was so great. If only the person who inspired this paper knew I was writing it for ENG 220. I really really want to drop off an anonymous copy at his office at the end of the semester. Anyway, speaking of ENG 220, that was my next class of the day and we hardly had to do anything but plan for our group presentations, which meant my group just sat around discussing physician-assisted suicide and got into so many random tangents that the hour flew by before I knew it. Then I had lunch outside with Hannah (and I remembered to bring lunch today so I didn't have to spend a fortune at the food court) and we went for a walk. It was kind of cold outside but the sun was really nice. I dropped off my commercial photography portfolio at the communications department, which felt like a real accomplishment because I had taken so long to get prints made. Then I had French class, where we had to write sentences combining l'imparfait and passe compose (things that were happening and happened in the past) and amazingly enough, I actually figured out the right way to put a reflexive verb in the passe compose, which we hadn't learned yet. So I actually did something right in French class for once. Then when I got out of class I met Hannah, Ashley, and Hannah's other friend Ashley at Starbucks, and got a triple shot espresso latte, practically the only coffee I've had all week, which is why I have enough energy to write all this right now haha. I LOVE COFFEE!!!! Ahem. Excuse me. Back to the point. I listened to Secondhand Serenade on the way home, which I haven't listened to in ages. And then when I got home I discovered a letter from BU saying that I've been chosen as an alternate for a Phi Theta Kappa scholarship, which is amazing to me because I'm not even an active member of Phi Theta Kappa ... I keep getting more and more happy that I decided to transfer to BU this fall. It was a really good decision, I don't know why it used to be my last choice. So ... now I'm feeling very creative and I've just been looking at the bead supplies and ceramics tools I bought at A.C.Moore, I wonder if I have enough time to make something before I leave for work tonight? I wonder if they're going to notice that I'm wearing sneakers? Well they're not really sneakers, they're like fashion sneakers or something, but they're still casual so I don't know. Oh well. I don't care. I think I have a sneaker pass somewhere anyway from getting credit apps last week. .... And I just remembered that I have leftover Baighan Bartha from Moghul indian cuisine last night ... and spell check didn't highlight Baighan Bartha, which is amazing ... so yeah. I'll stop writing now.
Katie
So the end of Spring Break 2009 is rapidly approaching ... only about 14 hours until I have to be on campus again ... and here is my progress on the to-do list I made last week:

1. Go to Barnes and Noble and get a new moleskine notebook. Well, sort of. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a mini paperblanks notebook with a foiled wrap-around cover. It's pretty. I like it.
2. Listen to all the indie music I've made a list to check out. I failed this one. But I did pick up another one of Starbuck's pick-of-the-week cards at Starbucks. The one time I visited Starbucks this week.
3. Go to the movies. Okay, this one was totally not my fault. My neighbor gave me a gift card to Leowe's theater which is about 5 minutes down the parkway, and I really intended to go. But there were no movies playing this week that looked remotely appealing. Now wait and see, as soon as I am so bogged down with homework that I can't possibly go, there will be a great movie released.
4. Try escargot! Damn. Another fail. Not really sure where I could even find escargot around here ....
5. Become brunette. Well, I tried. But it's definitely turned out auburn.
6. Buy new shoes. Score! Just bought an adorable pair of sketchers and some awesome Bongo sandals -- denim gladiator wedges :)
7. Return the Flip camcorder. Killed 2 birds with 1 stone. Took back the Flip to Sears and the digital camcorder to Kohls, both late, but no questions asked. I'm just awesome like that. And I've just repocketed the $200. This is all just a game to me, it would seem.
8. Finish reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Whoops, forgot about that one. But I did start Atlas Shrugged, that's got to count for something?
9. Read all the other books I haven't got to yet. See above.
10. Study French. Done. Doesn't mean I understand it, but there you go. I've been going over my flashcards just now, the disciplined student that I am.
11. Work on my ENG220 essay. Um yes ... about that ...
12. Go on a picnic if it's nice outside. Well, mostly I was working while it was nice outside. But I did walk to the ice cream store the other day.
13. Finish getting together my part of the Ethics presentation. Almost finished.
14. Rent a lighting kit & do some photo shoots. Because on Friday I was still blonde, it was essential that I forget to rent the lighting kit while on campus. Had to stay in character, ya know?
15. Finish the photo collage for my memo board. Lost the initiative to do anything remotely related to interior decorating when I found out we're moving.
16. Apply to some more schools. Negative. I've decided to go to BU.
17. Put in some hours at the ceramic studio. No time for that either. But, I did research ceramics designs online before class on Thursday, and I started carving & bought some carving tools at A.C. Moore afterward.
18. Watch TV during the day. Hell yeah! I watched loads of crap all week. The highlight probably being movies on lifetime network. Or maybe it was A Cinderella Story on the family channel. Tough call.
19. SLEEP IN!!! Surprise of the week. I didn't sleep in past 10:30, not once. Somehow, when it came down to it, it just seemed so wasteful and unappealing. Oh well.
Katie
The sad news: I am no longer a Xanthochroi. Well. Technically I am. But I have dyed my hair auburn. So you wouldn't know it by looking at me.

The glad news: life seems more interesting when I look different than usual. I like to keep myself amused. (That's pretty much my only reason for dying my hair. I don't even think it looks that great.)

The bad news: a lot of my wardrobe was assembled solely to compliment a person with blonde hair.

The good news: I have an excuse to buy new clothes?

Ah, the beauty of life in the mind of me!
Katie
I have done it again:
Swung myself over the lagoon
Of blue too deep to be green --
Hands white on a rope
Braided from my own hair.

(With only my head to hold onto, I wait for the fall.)
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Katie
Words
by Sylvia Plath



Axes
After whose stroke the wood rings,
And the echoes!
Echoes traveling
Off from the center like horses.

The sap
Wells like tears, like the
Water striving
To re-establish its mirror
Over the rock

That drops and turns,
A white skull,
Eaten by weedy greens.
Years later I
Encounter them on the road-

Words dry and riderless,
The indefatigable hoof-taps.
While
From the bottom of the pool, fixed stars
Govern a life.
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Katie



















So I was at the mall last night, trying out random perfumes in J.C. Penney's just for something to do, when I came across an interesting bottle. It had a vintage, western-style, almost grunge-like design with a silver motif and big faux diamond on the front. I liked the name, True Religion, so I tried a little on the paper strip, and viola! I fell head over heels in love. I really liked the opening scent, which was fresh and somewhat fruity, and the heart was more floral, I think it had pear blossom and something else, not too sweet but not too bold either. I carried the paper strip around the mall for awhile and by the time the background scent came out, I was addicted. I love these floral woody musk perfumes, but it seems like so many of them just smell the same any more, or else they fade within a few hours. Instead, this one lasted the rest of the night, even after I washed my hands multiple times, and when I woke up the next morning I could still detect it on the inside of my wrist. I normally don't like to buy expensive perfumes -- I think the only ones I've ever payed full price for are Christian Dior's "Poison" and "Deseo" by JLo, and maybe Clinique's "Happy Heart". The rest of the time I usually save by buying cheap spinoffs or getting samples. But I think I might have to look for True Religion next time I go to the store. It's so me, and I'm totally in love with it. Hopefully we have it at Kohl's and I can at least use my associate discount. Because otherwise I'm out $70 by giving in to the temptation :(
Katie






So ever since I opened up a copy of the Pyramid Collection catalogue that was accidentally mailed to my house, I have been wanting the sequined velvet and denim jacket (top). I absolutely love the riding-jacket cut, the stand-up collar, and what the website calls "the slight, peplumlike flare". So what if it's too dressy, and costs $110 (plus shipping). So what if I can't try it on because I'd be ordering it out of a catalogue. I WANT IT!!! But of course, being the practical, well-grounded girl that I am, I was able to resist the temptation for the 3 months or so that it occupied my thoughts. And now today I received an e-mail sale notification from the Pyramid Collection. Of course I had to click on the link to the website, with all intentions of checking the clearance section to see if the jacket had made it there yet. But I didn't make it past the regular jacket section, because lo and behold, the ruffled denim jacket (above) was staring at me from the first page! You know how those songs in old broadway musicals always talk about love at first sight? Well I can now tell you folks, it is real. All of my heart, in that one heartbeat of an instant, now belongs to that jacket, with its ruffled lapels and bold brass buttons, "trimmed in black lace and princess-seamed in back with a nipped peplum, paneled in two shades of blue"... Sigh. And $60 is much closer to my price range than the first one. Yes, it was meant to be. This is why the velvet and denim never came to pass. The ruffled jacket is my one and true fate. Now for that $60 ....
Katie
Things I want to do over spring break (starting tomorrow):

  • go to Barnes and Noble and get a new moleskine notebook
  • listen to all the indie music I've made a list to check out
  • go to the movies
  • try escargot!
  • become brunette
  • buy new shoes
  • return the Flip camcorder
  • finish reading Tuesdays with Morrie
  • read all the other books I haven't got to yet
  • study French
  • work on my ENG220 essay
  • go on a picnic if it's nice outside
  • finish getting together my part of the Ethics presentation
  • rent a lighting kit & do some photo shoots
  • finish the photo collage for my memo board
  • apply to some more schools
  • put in some hours at the ceramic studio
  • watch TV during the day
  • SLEEP IN!!!
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Katie



This is what I want to eat on my last day on earth.

Time: about 4 1/2 hours before serving or early in day [though I have been known to (très pressé, in continuation with the French theme) make them right before dinner ... or eat it right then & there (they are very tempting)].
Yield: 8 servings

1 6-ounce package semisweet-chocolate pieces (1 cup)
6 eggs, separated, at room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt
Whipped cream for garnish

1. In heavy 1-quart saucepan over low heat (or in double boiler over hot, not boiling water) [I always use microwaveable chocolate instead], heat chocolate pieces until melted and smooth, stirring constantly; remove saucepan from heat. With spoon, beat in egg yolks, vanilla, and salt.

2. In large bowl, with mixer at high speed, beat egg whites until stiff peaks form. With rubber spatula or wire whisk, gently fold chocolate mixture into beaten egg whites until well blended.

3. Spoon mixtures into 8 pots de crème cups, 6-ounce wine glasses, or small dessert bowls. Refrigerate dessert at least 4 hours [I always ignore this] before serving. Top with whipped cream, if you like.
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Katie
Today I hid out in the SA cafe when I was supposed to be in English class, because I had a 10 page paper due that I hadn't finished (or started for that matter). Juvenile, I know (funnily, I just mistyped that as Juvinline, which I think sounds like a name from the Bible -- random to point that out, I know, but there you are). I probably would have gone to class anyway, except that I also discovered this morning that I left my copy of Seamus Heaney's version of Antigone, which we're supposed to be reading in class, at my mom's house. And I refused to face the class with no paper and no book since I was too lazy even to think up a good story. (I did, however, have a story for why I didn't go to class; my plan was to say I thought I lost my car keys and I had to go looking for them all over campus and by the time I miraculously found them in the computer lab I didn't want to interrupt the class by walking in late.) I did work on the paper though for some of the time that I was in the cafe, which almost makes up for missing class. Except that the paper is actually a form of revenge against someone I hate with every fiber of my being, so ... no matter which way you look at it, I was being extremely juvenile. And the most juvenile part of all this is that I don't give a damn. Yay for me.
Katie

I wish I were brave enough to try this. I've wanted to for so long.

But I'm too worried that it would turn out badly and then I'd have to wait for-ev-er for it to grow out.

And in the meantime, having decided against it, I can't even make up my mind whether or not to dye my hair dark now. Part of me says I should keep it blonde because I know it looks okay and I've gotten so many compliments on the color. But another part of me says I should go dark because I'm getting boring and need to make a change in my life -- even if no one else notices, at least I'll feel different. And it's just a hair color for pete's sake -- if I don't like it, I can just spend a little more money and go back to pretty much how it was.

I think I deliberate over these things so that I don't have to think about other decisions I should be making in my life.
Katie
So tonight when I got home, I wandered around for awhile trying to find things to do, since, having just eaten a dark chocolate ice cream with strawberries at Coldstone Creamery, I couldn't possibly sleep for another few hours. Finally I settled down to watch P.S. I Love You with my mom and her friend. I should have known better; last time I watched this movie I cried for about an hour and was so depressed the next day that I didn't even do homework. But then, me, learn from past decisions? That somehow goes against the laws of physics.

Anyway, I watched the whole thing and now I am so sad I don't even want to turn out the lights because I know I'll just keep thinking about it in the dark, and at least now I have the computer screen to distract me. Pathetic I know, but I'm tired, and when does anything ever make sense when you're tired? The problem is, I'm not even sure what it is about the movie that bothers me so much, so I don't know what it is I should be thinking about or how to not be so depressed. I think it's the whole idea that no matter how good we think we have it, everything is taken away from us sooner or later. We don't ever get to keep anyone in life, everything changes and people eventually leave or else they turn into someone else. By choice or not, it doesn't matter. I don't know how this applies to my own life. I've never really been in love before, not with anyone who loved me back, so how can I understand the pain Holly went through when she lost Gerry? I think it's more fear than understanding. I guess I just want some form of stability in my life and I don't think that will ever happen. I want someone would be there for me, but at the same time I'm afraid of having that and losing it, whereas you can never lose what you haven't got. Also ... watching this forces me to think about the reality of death and the impermanence of life. Once again, I am forced to contemplate what I would ever do if anyone close to me would die. I can't deal with death. It's all beyond my comprehension. It always has been and I think I will never ever be okay with thinking about it.

Times like this, I feel like a child again. I wish someone would give me all the answers as if I were.
Katie
I have decided to blog again.

I haven't blogged since I was 13 -- back when blogging was the thing to do, before the days of myspace and facebook [fyi, "before those days..." statements annoy me, and I have just annoyed myself]. To be honest [idk why I just said that, who cares whether this is an honest statement], I hadn't even thought about blogging in a long, long time -- for two years at least, after all my failed attempts at starting a new blog failed [double negative?]. Falling off the face of the earth never contributes to the survival of a blog [or pretty much anything], and apparently I have never learned not to walk off the edge of anything (including the sidewalk in front of Burlington Coat Factory, which I will never be allowed to forget, and the steps of the Extra Mart in Greene, which broke the heel off my favorite boots). I don't know what makes me think this time will be any different. I work three jobs and go to school full time, and what little free time I have left is spent procrastinating. I don't have time to write about my life. I don't even have time to have a life to write about.

But here I am, back where I woke up at 5:30 this morning, sitting on my bed with my laptop, feeling like someone who has taken 4 left turns to get Here (with a neon green arrow pointing to "Here") and has decided it is just as productive to stay Here in the first place. I don't want to do anything useful like start the 10 page paper I'm supposed to be writing about an ethical controversy, or making lunch even though my stomach is painfully empty (it's been at least 4 hours since I ate my Basic Provisions and drank a Komodo Dragon). So if I'm not going to do any of those things, I figure I may as well create a blog. It feels slightly ridiculous, like how I felt yesterday sitting in the Starbucks parking lot texting and painting my nails because I lacked the initiative to get out of my car and go inside. But it's also slightly satisfying because I am denying the suggested guidelines, which seems like a sort of accomplishment.

Everyone should deny the suggested guidelines sometime in his or her life. That's why they're guidelines and not rules.