So tonight when I got home, I wandered around for awhile trying to find things to do, since, having just eaten a dark chocolate ice cream with strawberries at Coldstone Creamery, I couldn't possibly sleep for another few hours. Finally I settled down to watch P.S. I Love You with my mom and her friend. I should have known better; last time I watched this movie I cried for about an hour and was so depressed the next day that I didn't even do homework. But then, me, learn from past decisions? That somehow goes against the laws of physics.
Anyway, I watched the whole thing and now I am so sad I don't even want to turn out the lights because I know I'll just keep thinking about it in the dark, and at least now I have the computer screen to distract me. Pathetic I know, but I'm tired, and when does anything ever make sense when you're tired? The problem is, I'm not even sure what it is about the movie that bothers me so much, so I don't know what it is I should be thinking about or how to not be so depressed. I think it's the whole idea that no matter how good we think we have it, everything is taken away from us sooner or later. We don't ever get to keep anyone in life, everything changes and people eventually leave or else they turn into someone else. By choice or not, it doesn't matter. I don't know how this applies to my own life. I've never really been in love before, not with anyone who loved me back, so how can I understand the pain Holly went through when she lost Gerry? I think it's more fear than understanding. I guess I just want some form of stability in my life and I don't think that will ever happen. I want someone would be there for me, but at the same time I'm afraid of having that and losing it, whereas you can never lose what you haven't got. Also ... watching this forces me to think about the reality of death and the impermanence of life. Once again, I am forced to contemplate what I would ever do if anyone close to me would die. I can't deal with death. It's all beyond my comprehension. It always has been and I think I will never ever be okay with thinking about it.
Times like this, I feel like a child again. I wish someone would give me all the answers as if I were.
Anyway, I watched the whole thing and now I am so sad I don't even want to turn out the lights because I know I'll just keep thinking about it in the dark, and at least now I have the computer screen to distract me. Pathetic I know, but I'm tired, and when does anything ever make sense when you're tired? The problem is, I'm not even sure what it is about the movie that bothers me so much, so I don't know what it is I should be thinking about or how to not be so depressed. I think it's the whole idea that no matter how good we think we have it, everything is taken away from us sooner or later. We don't ever get to keep anyone in life, everything changes and people eventually leave or else they turn into someone else. By choice or not, it doesn't matter. I don't know how this applies to my own life. I've never really been in love before, not with anyone who loved me back, so how can I understand the pain Holly went through when she lost Gerry? I think it's more fear than understanding. I guess I just want some form of stability in my life and I don't think that will ever happen. I want someone would be there for me, but at the same time I'm afraid of having that and losing it, whereas you can never lose what you haven't got. Also ... watching this forces me to think about the reality of death and the impermanence of life. Once again, I am forced to contemplate what I would ever do if anyone close to me would die. I can't deal with death. It's all beyond my comprehension. It always has been and I think I will never ever be okay with thinking about it.
Times like this, I feel like a child again. I wish someone would give me all the answers as if I were.
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